life lately

You can’t add a single day by worrying / You’ll worry your life away / Oh don’t worry your life away / You can’t change a single thing by freaking out / It’s just gonna close you in / Oh don’t let the trouble win

these months have been hard, full of worry, anxiety, pain and sorrow. its hard to know how to even make it out of the hole or even realize that you aren’t in the hole anymore.

You may feel alone / But you’re not on your own / If He can hold the world / He can hold this moment / Not a field or flower escapes His notice / Oh even the sparrow / Knows He holds tomorrow

its also hard to know you aren’t alone, there aren’t a lot of people who stick around in lives these days. it seems like its the hardest to keep relationships to nurture them and just be. a lot of people aren’t longing for relationships which seems strange to me. I’ve always loved having friends though never had that many at once i poured all i had into the ones i have had. and when its not reciprocated then i pull away. what use is there for me to keep nurturing something that someone isn’t interested in? none so i just don’t bother. that leaves me alone a lot. which is sad but its just how life is.

Lean in and it’s hard to miss / Everything can change / When you make it His / Oh He wants to carry it / Carefree in the care of God / When you let it go / You’ll find that He’s enough / Oh you never leave His love / You don’t walk alone

that is when you lean into the people you have that are there for always and ultimately into Jesus. He is the one that won’t let you down and sometimes it is hard to really feel like that He is there all the time.

in april i lost the nanny job i had for over 2 years. i’m still sad about it sometimes. but there is a reason for that happening. their family life was a little crazy and it was starting to affect me in not so good ways. i had my own crap going on also.  physically i was depressed, not feeling good had some digestive things going on (still sorta do) and just in general not happy.

in may i got rear-ended on a weekend getaway with my husband. that was a huge bummer and i’m still irritated about it. i still hurt from it. but the massages and chiropractic adjustments are helping.

during the summer in july my husband and i were on a vacation for 3 weeks. we went to see both sides of his family in 3 different states! it was so much fun! i loved every minute of it. except for the time i had to go to urgent care for a horrible ear/sinus infection that kinda sucked but after i got some meds to help it,  it was good. we were in Tulsa, Ok for 1 1/2 weeks and then in Wellsboro, Pa for the rest. we did travel to NYC for 3 days and went on a day trip to Niagara falls.  it was glorious i loved it. i was really bummed i didn’t have more time in NYC though. my husbands brother has moved there so we got there the day he got there that was a great time of connection and memories.

family is important and we don’t connect as much as we should with family. its really sad but at the same time it makes the times we do connect a lot more special. i just wish we were closer to most of the family.

If He can hold the world / He can hold this moment / Not a field or flower escapes His notice / Oh even the sparrow / Knows He holds tomorrow / There’s not a single star that’s out of place / There’s nothing broken He can’t remake / If you long for hope when you’re afraid / Oh look at the sparrow / Look at the sparrow / If He can hold the world / He can hold this moment / Not a field or flower escapes His notice / Oh even the sparrow / Knows He holds tomorrow / Even the sparrow knows He holds tomorrow

i’m not sure where life will take us. but currently being in Seattle i know i’m not meant to stay here for my whole life. i never used to believe i’d ever live anywhere else than Seattle. but every time i come back after leaving for a bit i realize i don’t belong here. i long for the country, a farmhouse, goats, and a bunch of dogs. i long for the day where i don’t feel crowded in a city and where i have a lot of openness around me and i can just sit, breathe and take it all in.

i have no idea where that means or what will happen but i’m excited for a journey.


It has been a long time

where do i begin? life is just a hot hot mess.

everything and anything is going wrong all at once. but in the midst i’m back into finding myself.

i’ve decided to blog again, i’ve started to read more and i’ve discovered a love for a paper planner/stamping in it! i’m so excited to journey through life like this and i’m SO excited to blog again. and reading is literally so awesome.

i’ve been doing a lot of crocheting lately i’ll share some pictures later on.

but other than that there have been family injuries, car wrecks, cancer, just plain drama and other health crisis’. such a mess. but we’ll get through it and we always do.

i just lost my nanny job of two years so i’m trying to pick up all the pieces, life wise and health wise. i will get through and i’m just so blessed in other ways so it will carry me through.

i’m not sure if anyone else reads this anymore or is subscribed but i’m happy to have you!!

until later!


I’m Back!!!

i’ve been away from this blog for so long. and now it has a whole new look. which is completely finished! yay!

my husband redid my whole blog for me and i love it. its so awesome.

so not much has been going on aside from crafting and we went on a few trips which were great. wish i was still on vacations though. a bunch has gone on. i just don’t know where to start.

is anyone still out there?


i’m alive, we got married and moved twice

wow its been a long time since i wrote an actual post that wasn’t about books. so here we go.

on April 4th we got married, then went to Leavenworth, WA for a honeymoon. which didn’t last long cause we had to come back super quick on that Sunday cause we had marriage class at church. so that was a bummer. but it was a good trip and we are planning a return trip cause we loved going to that bed and breakfast. it was glorious.

we are going to have a big vacation/honeymoon in June after our reception. so that should be good.

so a few days before our wedding we got notified that our landlord didn’t feel comfortable renting to us so we had til the end of the month to get out… it was really infuriating especially because its not like the place was a great place. so i think it was cause we complained. but who wouldn’t? the oven was broken, the place was a pig stye. and it had ants. ugh it was a nightmare and we didn’t like to stay there at all. but we did at night. and stayed at my parents during the day and made food there.

we haven’t found a place and last weekend we moved Justin’s stuff to my parents. i never moved any of my stuff so i would just come here everyday and get clothes for the next day haha. it was pretty lame. but it was easier that i didn’t have to move any of my stuff. we did that Easter weekend. and go on planning the reception in June.

life is crazy and sometimes its downright mean but we’re making it. hopefully we can find a nice place soon but i just want my own house. even with how unrealistic it is. but maybe its not that unrealistic.  who knows.

i just know i’m tired and i feel more comfortable here. but one thing i will not get used to is snoring.  ughhh that guy snores so loud.

in other news last night. my mom went on the back deck and then saw lots of smoke. and we were all “oh fire!” and so then we went running down the block looking for it (we’re crazy and justin had no shoes on) it was a few blocks over. but we aren’t the only crazy ones cause we saw like 5 of our neighbors haha. but still justin had no shoes. we should have just jumped in the car. my mom went back for the car cause we went running down the street without the house locked cause we’re smart. but she went back and got the car and i just kept on running/walking it was so sad though. but boy was that adventure exhausting. but i’m also not feeling well. kinda stuffy and my ears have been bothering me.

hmm other than that i don’t know whats been going on. i’ve been feeling like not myself i hadn’t done all the things i love in weeks like reading or crafting i was a zombie i’m slowly getting myself back so thats good. but one thing i dunno about is everyone is all “you’re married!” does that mean i’m supposed to be some giddy person? i am just not that person. i’m not a mushy gushy person haha so i’m not sure what people are expecting me to be like? i dunno but its just yeah we’re married but its not much different than before. i do love him a ton though. we’re getting better. 🙂

thats about all for now.


loose ends

Since i’ve vented everything out last I feel a bit better.

I’m just irritated because I have this weird ear ache/fluid in the ear type thing. Its getting better since taking benedryl though. I did put in some of that garlic oil stuff its a naturopathic remedy for an ear infection/ache. UGH that was horrible. I don’t like eye drops or drops in my ears. So I felt like I was gonna go insane. It felt so weird. And so gross.

Anyways this past weekend we went and started a bridal registry at macys. Which I was fun but its so overwhelming trying to think of what to put on it. And they gave us a bunch of stuff. Like little cards to put in invitations and stuff.

But its so weird cause the lady said for like shower invites/whatever else and I was thinking uhhh I doubt i’ll have a shower. And I don’t even think I have enough friends to do that. And I wouldn’t have anyone to throw one. So that is weird and awkward.

We intended to do target too but we were just too tired. Since we were doing other running around too.

I had it set in my mind I wanted to find some kind of basket that was fabric and moveable not stiff so I could put the yarn i’m using to make an afghan and then I didn’t have to put it in a plastic bag. And usually when I go out to find something I have imagined in my mind I never can find it and it doesn’t exist. And I totally found something. I was happy for two days! Its so exciting. And everytime I look over and see it it gets me excited all over again. I feel like such a freak.

I’m super behind in everything like reading but I finally got caught up on all blogs! So that was major.

I did almost finish one book. But its weird because I never ever start two books at one time. But I have like 7 that are a little bit read. Which is really irritating to me. So many unfinished. And no reviews written. Ugh.

But with wedding stuff and life stuff and everything else I just feel like I can’t ever be caught up on anything. Maybe I will be someday soon. But for now thats how it is.


i’m alive!

So i’m still around, just sparse on words. A lot of crap has gone on on so I guess i’ll get to updating.

I’m just so overwhelmed with a lot that I just don’t know what to say. The boys parents really treated him like crap growing up and they make drama about us getting married. And its just sort of a mess. And its stressful and I just don’t want to deal with them honestly.

Planning is stressful cause of no time and the boys school and trying to see whats going on and all the details. Thankfully we aren’t having a crazy elaborate wedding. Just eloping but they want otherwise. ugh I just don’t know.

The holidays were sorta weird. But alright. New years hasn’t been so great though. I got a flat tire last week so that really sucked and i’ve just been so over everything. Cause I pretty much need 4 new tires and I don’t want to deal with the whole thing at all.

I’m stressed out about where the boy and I will live when we get married, getting married terrifies me and sex terrifies me. Also living not at my house terrifies me.

I’m a ball of crazy and anxiety and I dunno what to do about it.

I’ve also noticed I pretty much cry anytime anything serious comes up like my tires i’ve been crying about it and when I got the flat tire. I guess I just cry everytime I have something “serious” to say I dunno why its like that but i’ve always done it. I’m not sure why I can’t ever hold it together.

I have a bunch of crafts i’m doing so thats good. But I have a ton unfinished also a ton of unfinished books which is irritating me but such is life.

I’m not even sure what to say or what to write anymore. So thats about all.


if you like it then you better put a ring on it

And there you go! The boy and I got engaged this weekend. On saturday we went up to snoqualmie falls and came back engaged!

The whole thing is kind of overwhelming we made it facebook official last night. And so many people have commented and stuff. I want to respond but i’m too overwhelmed at the moment.

Last week my parents sat us down to talk to us about our plans. And stuff it wasn’t as bad as we thought it’d be. But they did offer to buy us the dave ramsey class on money. So we agreed and we got the dvd one. So we’re excited to get that done. Cause money could be super tight.

We are planning to have a reception in spring/summer time and not have a ceremony just a justice of the peace thing with my parents and friends shelly and jason. I’m not sure how his parents will react.

I’m excited to register for things though!

Right now i’m super into needlepoint/cross stitching still I finally got stuff started and I love it. So obsessed.

I also just made my neighbors girl a few hats. So that was good.

I just feel overwhelmed in general. Im behind in reading and crafting and trying to get all this stuff done and its not happening then getting engaged and I dunno I feel like i’m going crazy haha. Oh well it will pass.


where do i begin?

i don’t even know where to begin. last week was kinda crazy full of anxiety but thank goodness things are all good. not something i’m willing to talk about. but God provided for sure.

i started this bible reading plan on my phone. though i sorta fell off the wagon with it haha. oh gosh. i’m impossible.

i’m finally getting back to working on the blanket i only have 1 more row to finish. but the blanket is so big now. i’m excited to block it though. hopefully i have enough pins.

then i have to get back to cross stitching and needlepoint. i haven’t done any needle point before though and i have a stocking to do for the boy he picked it out last year. i did crochet him a christmas stocking but he wanted a needlepoint one. it should be interesting. i just wish it was cross stitch cause i know how to do that more than needlepoint. oh well hopefully it will go fast.

i’m behind in reading/reviewing. what else is new. but hopefully i can bust it all out.

excercising is going not so great. but i’ll remedy that soon.

saturday we went to a friends house for dinner and somehow my friend shelly and i got it in our heads to make her china cabinet area a craft cabinet. so we took everything out and got to work it was crazy. then sunday i decided i needed to organize and get stuff put away so i did that and it took forever then i was exhausted but it does look a whole lot better for sure.

i need to get some blankets and flannel sheets on my bed asap ugh its been so cold sleeping.

the boy and i are starting to really go over finances though he was too tired and sick feeling last night to do it. but hopefully soon we’ll figure stuff out.

i feel lke i need to get into blogging more but i’ve been so into other things instead. i dunno i’m kind of all over the place. next time i’ll share pictures of crafts. that should be fun! i guess i will get going and do stuff instead of ramble. feel free to comment if anyone is out there.


its been awhile..

I’m going from my last post uh almost two months ago. To now and i’m not so excited. And quite honestly I just feel defeated in about pretty much everything.

Few weeks ago we went to portland/bend for my best friend colins wedding. While that was all great and nice. Honestly the trip sucked. Too much driving, not so much fun. It just wasn’t what I thought it’d be. And then the memories of getting robbed loomed over me. Probably didn’t help that I went on the street we were near when getting robbed and passed by the hotel I stayed at the night I got robbed. Uh awkward. Yeah too much driving, sucky goodwills, I hate gas getting pumped for me and other stuff. Meh

last week was a crappy week especially for injuries. I got my hand smashed by a cart at costco. It swelled up pretty bad and its severely bruised even now. I hurt a few other fingers after that on my other hand. I also hit my head on the car while bending over to adjust the seat. Totally got a huge goose egg on my head. Irritating it still hurts somewhat now.

Right now my knees hurt so bad.

I’m kinda blah cause I got off the wagon with working out and my eating low carb stuff. But honestly i’m just sad about multiple things.

The boy and I got hair cuts and the lady cut it uneven and its kinda shorter than I wanted. Which is kind of depressing. It looks good but blah.

I finally got a plan for my granny afghan but I had to stop crocheting cause I developed a spasm in my shoulder. Another irritating thing. I hope it stops soon. The thing is it makes me mad when its not all the same inches all the way around. But I did find this really great video that shows about steam blocking so i’m excited. I had to go find foam tiles and rust proof needles. Which I did get and as I was trying to find a super cheap used option I didn’t find it so I got a cheap option at harbor freight which was awesome! Hopefully my spasm goes away soon so I can finish and block that afghan.

Another thing i’m super into right now is cross stitching and i’ve found a bunch of great kits on ebay. But I needed more scroll frames I bought some but they were crap. So we just made our own. I still have to find fabric to staple to them so I can baste the aida fabric on. Hopefully that happens soon.

I dunno what else to say so thats about all for now.


i’m excited!

Well since I wrote that last post about marriage. I do feel better. Thank you to all those who commented. I feel a little less crazy about it. But we haven’t talked much more about it mostly because the boy is usually doing homework 24/7. blah. But it is what it is. Hopefully we can talk about it this week.
I’m getting super excited about things, our road trip to Oregon, I got a zoo pass, though we have to go there first haha. And i’m noticeably getting smaller! AND my hair is growing back!!!!! i’m so excited cause I look less bald. And the bad thing about getting smaller is that my clothes just aren’t fitting and I don’t have other ones. Like my capris I finally just took them off today cause I was tired of pulling them up every five seconds. I’m annoyed but happy at the same time. I gotta get working out though. I was going to today but I got interrupted with my neighbor needing help. So I did that but since i showered before in the morning that messes my whole routine up since I usually work out before I shower. Then I only get sweaty and gross once haha. I’m so weird about how I do things.
I need a hair cut bad, it got really long and stuff. I do have this irrational fear that if i get my hair cut it will look like i’m bald again though…
I was super annoyed because I haven’t gotten a phone call about my blood test results, I also got the bill for the labwork haha go figure. So I looked up to see if anything was in my online chart and it was. But I dunno if i’m supposed to do anything else so i’m a bit irritated again. I guess i’ll have to call tomorrow.
I dunno what else to really talk about. I just need to read and write reviews really badly. I have to write like 22 book reviews…… oh boy. I’m a little backlogged. But i’m just so excited about my hair and my weight. It just needs to be more and more hair and more weight gone. Then I will finally feel better.
Whats going on with everyone else?

marriage talk

Well last night the boy and I were talking about marriage.
If we could do it, what it would take monetarily, if that included me working. All of that stuff.
I think we had pretty good things to say but its pretty terrifying honestly. Going from the only place you’ve ever lived to somewhere else. It just scares me out of my wits sometimes. I’m not sure what to think or what to do.
We aren’t super traditional and we don’t really care about the whole getting engaged thing. And we are just gonna go get married at a justice of the peace. Because we aren’t into hoopla. But will have a reception later on. Like maybe get married in the winter time and then have a reception in the spring/summertime. Thats the plan. It felt good to talk about it. But I worry about everything, the change, what people will think. If its the right time for that if people will think we are doing the right thing.
I dont’ really care if his parents will be pissed cause they would probably expect us to have this huge wedding with five million people and us pay for them to come up. And yeah that’s not happening, for one i’m too cheap and for two I don’t like the attention and neither does Justin. I’m just not a party type person. I don’t like people staring at me or anything like that.
After he left last night mom and I were talking, it was surprising cause I get scared of what my parents will say if they are gonna be against it or judgmental and everything else. But she wasn’t anything like that. It seemed like she was supportive. Maybe it was like “well you’re gonna do what you are gonna do” but I dunno. I just feel confused and scared and honestly non-committal. It just all scares me to death.

the garden

I’ve been pretty proud of my garden so far. but now not so much. my mortal enemy has returned. and that is mildew! the powdery mildew on cucumber and squash plants. UGH its so irritating to me.
but i was thinking a lot today about it and realized that water pools under the plants when i have the weed fabric on. so we pulled it all out, well what we could of it anyways cause that particular brand of fabric disintegrated and was usless. you touched it and it fell apart. which was really maddening. i was thinking about through the years and last year most of my plants died cause of that stupid mildew. and i had fabric on there but nothing was covering it. just like this year. i remember two years ago the garden was really amazing. the difference? it was cause we had mulch all on top of the fabric! hopefully i can save my plants i’m really hopeful i can. but ugh adventures in gardening.. it is no joke!

long overdue update.

Well its been awhile and I keep wanting to write but I never got around to it. Just like reading and blog reading in general. Ugh I’m so behind in everything. But everything else is going on and its just plain crazy.
So my mom had been having issues with her knee since January and in late June she got a second opinion from a doctor and he wanted to do surgery. And it happened a week after that on July 5th. Ugh it was just a huge crazy long ordeal with getting her medical leave and everything else. She is on the mend the first week was really tough with her not being able to do anything and everyone being super cranky. Shes used to getting up and going and that bothers her when she can’t do things the way she wants to. She is definitely a million times better now though. Not to 100 percent but getting there.
July 4th was alright we went to a friends for a BBQ and we were staying after it was over but people showed up late and we didn’t get to do what we wanted to do with our friends cause of those late comers. So that was really disappointing.
Um on the weight loss front I’ve lost a bit more. I have recently started working out on the recumbent bike we have. And I’m hoping to get more pounds off. I have noticed that my capris have a problem staying up and a few tanks I have are pretty loose. Its a good problem to have but its super annoying. I’ve also been in a dress mood. I was really disappointed though when this dress I love from target shrunk. Its not too bad but I guess once I lose weight in my chest It will be back to where I want it to be. And old navy has been surprising me with clothes because I used to never find anything there and I have found a ton of great dresses and for great deals. I just have to alter them a bit. So I’m excited about those. I just want to lose more pounds before my bffs wedding in august.
Yesterday we went to a party for our friends little girl. Its so weird she turned five and its just insane to me. We were supposed to stay after and hang out as that’s our usual routine for every kids party. But her parents sprung it on them two days ago that they were driving up. And they had to have been on the road way longer than when they decided to barge in on my friend. She wasn’t prepared for anything, plus is super stressed out and her parents are very difficult to get along with. So its rough and disappointing again but I just hope my friend doesn’t end up in the mental ward..
yesterday we found some great deals at goodwill, I’m super excited to go to goodwills in Oregon when we are down there.
Other than that I’m just behind in writing reviews, reading books and everything else in between.
I got a blood test to check my iron. My hair is growing a little bit more which is good cause I look less bald. But I want it all the way back to normal and I am hoping my iron is still low. But I was supposed to get a phone call with my results on Friday an that never happened. My doctor is gone all next week so that’s really irritating to me. Nothing I can do about that though. One good thing is, I had a patch of excema on my foot and now that’s completely gone. Probably from the food change. Now if I can only get rid of my dry cracked heals I’d be golden.
I guess that’s all I have to say. I’m trying to not be super negative, I just get really excited about progress but then still see how far I have to go with weight and hair and i just get really down about it. I dunno I just gotta keep pushing through.

long week..

Its been a long week and i’m just exhausted honestly. Probably doesn’t help that i’m pmsing but gosh the stress of the whole week is crazy.
The dentist was alright I was super emotional period. And then I ended up having one cavity. I don’t have the money for it really but its how it is so I have to deal with it.
We finally heard about the boys job and he has one so thats good.
I have a new obsession which is banana chips, I got them at trader joes in my search to find dried fruit for snacks since we can’t really snack on chips. Although we did find root veggie chips at trader joes also. So thats pretty good. I was always pricing out/seeing what kinds of food we can have for road trips for august! So i’m excited about that.
Also with that I am able to use my moms car which is great! So everything is finally falling into place. Now if only I had a nanny job i’d be golden.
I just feel so blah lately I don’t have much motivation and I feel yucky. But with the food thing i’m doing good. Just looked up a bunch of recipes and looked up menus at restaurants to see what we can eat and not be in too much trouble haha.
So thats exciting. I dunno what else to talk about. I just haven’t been doing enough reading or anything like that. And I really am still annoyed about google reader. But such is life
until next time people.

a big bunch of crazy!

So I am totally insane. I haven’t written in awhile cause I didn’t know what to write. But here we go and brace yourself for some of insanity.
I have it. And i’m seriously going insane. So i’m freaking out a bout a lot of things lately. One is the boys job. Its supposed to be transitioned to a no contract/permanent position. But you have to submit your resume/interview for it. And the fact that you have to do that too the slight possibility that he could get bypassed for it is like freaking me out. He works with these people every day but ugh its driving me crazy.
Next bit of anxiety, teeth. First it was my retainer that was breaking. I got that taken care of. But now I noticed spots on my teeth and I have gone through this whole huge thing of me freaking out and crying about the fact that I could have cavities. Cause honestly I don’t have money to do any of this. And cavities I sure don’t have money for and it just terrifies me.
I was watching an episode of keeping up with kardashians today and lamar has like tons of cavities. I seriously was cringing and getting all freaked out and full of anxiety at the thought of the dentist. I’m so SO crazy. I got the nervousness and the wanting to throw up and everything. So I was freakin gout so bad about my teeth this week that I made an appointment to get my teeth cleaned. And then I had more anxiety. I did switch toothpastes so I looked again today and some of my spots are lighter. But sheesh. I dunno what I do with myself.
I’m sure there is more anxiety I have but who knows what that is right now. Its best I don’t think about it. Haha.
So my best friend colin is getting married. SO weird but so awesome. Hes 40 so its kind of about time. I approve of his lady even if I haven’t met her. I generally have feelings about people and hes had some really bad ladies before. So i’m happy hes happy. But that means I have to drive down to oregon to see it. Which i’m happy to do but it’d be better if I was the one that didn’t have to do all the driving. But it is what it is. I was toying with the idea of renting a car because i’m not sure my car is ready for that. Its 253,000 miles but it is a honda and the majority of miles on my car were freeway miles. But I dunno. Hopefully I can use my moms car.
Another thing we’re doing is going on a low carb diet. Honestly I have an addiction to pretzels/chips/cereals. And i’m fat so we are starting this new way of eating. Its kind of like paleo but not really. I dunno i’m just trying to not think about the things I can’t have. But so far its going good. We aren’t totally all in it yet. But its alright. The weird thing is you eat things that the full fat. Like whole milk, full fat cottage cheese. I’ve never had that stuff before until recently. But I like it! Hopefully that will help me with my weight and also for my hair. I’m so discouraged sometimes about how thin it is. I know its hard to wait for it to grow. I’m not sure if my iron is the right level but i’m hoping it is. Anyways.
This past weekend we had my cousins boys and we haven’t seen them in months and months its so sad. But it was SO fun to have them. They are hilarious especially the youngest one. It makes me sad that we don’t see them but maybe that will change soon. I wish he would still snuggle though. I miss that.
My foot is still kinda weird but not all the time. And I can wear flip flops if they have support so thats good I just ordered some.
Last thing is I LOVE trader joes. With this whole new food thing we went to trader joes and found meats that have no nitrates or nitrites. Man that tastes SO amazing. But I also got new shampoo there with no harsh chemicals. I decided to go try it because I have super itchy skin and a really dry itchy scalp that sometimes burns. And honestly I was tired of it so I wanted to try it out. Well it totally went away and my dry flaky skin has gone away too. Its amazing. So I love trader joes.
Thats about all I have for now. Comment friends. And hi new followers!